Saturday, January 12, 2008

Role Reversal

You said way back near the beginning that in submitting, you were actually controlling. That's when I began to understand how deep your thinking went, but I didn't appreciate just how much you understood what you were saying at that point. Somehow you understood so early on that my need to be in charge was really an invitation to be the one tamed.

By allowing you to set the ground rules about our interactions, you also got me to agree to be controlled. And I did it, willingly - a first in my life where I've given up that power to someone else - establishing a bond of trust like no other I've ever formed. Sure, there are moments that I test the boundaries established - but respectfully and not resentful when I find them still in place. Generally, the predictability of the results is both gently humorous and strongly comforting - occasionally, I find myself surprised at the latitude granted.

There are also moments where you pluck at the strings you've tied to see if they remain as tight or need some refreshing. I find that I enjoy watching that happen as well, sometimes doing things to provoke it. I'm surprised you've never noticed the mischievous grin on my face as I do. Once again, leading things into new territory - discoveries for both you and me to be made in directions not explored - a subtle specialty of yours I've come to cherish. Whenever I have cause to doubt if you enjoy it as much as I do, or feel it as deeply - I catch a certain look on your face and know that you do.

It's a bit of a surreal dream in the midst of my waking life - secure in the knowledge that it's there, but not always forefront of my mind. And then something sparks a thought or a memory and I'm instantly blown away by this warm feeling, the one we openly speak of as love without ever having totally defined what it means between us. And I sit there in wonder at where things are - a place I never would have expected to find myself, a place I wouldn't trade for the world.

I guess it's why I've always been attracted to Orion - the strong warrior/hunter. That quiet confidence has always been an attractor, even a bit of an aphrodisiac.

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