Sunday, March 30, 2008

I guess I have learned something from this already

Never trust a grown man who can't tell his mother who the most important person in his life really is.

He's had way too much experience keeping secrets and learned too well to hide what's really going on. Don't get involved with someone who always makes you spend all the holidays alone because he can't tell his family about you - if he doesn't have the balls to do that, he won't have them when he's ready to hit the fucking door.

The only courage he'll be able to find is to be an actor on the stage - pretending to everyone around that everything is fine, while secretly planning his get-a-way. As he moves on with his pretend life, instead of actually living it. His heart as barren as the place he moved to.

I'm sick of being numb. I just want to start crying so I can take this fucking ring off. But not now, when I feel more robot than human.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Asked, answered - bridges burned

Not in the way I imagined, but a definite answer nonetheless.

And me, the one who always said you weren't that cold, that you really had a heart - what a fucking fool, huh?

To take such a cowardly way out isn't surprising in the least, but to not even leave a note? You couldn't even leave me decent memories, I really did fuck up standing by you all those years.

Friday, March 14, 2008

And if it came down to a phone call?

Hundreds of scenarios, thousands of conversations in your mind - and it comes down to one you never expected. Everything that you thought you'd prepared yourself to hear except that one. That you're a nobody, nothing of consequence. Karma Judy?

No matter how often you told yourself not to get your hopes up. Who the fuck did you think you were kidding? Magic wand, party of one.

So it comes down to how to regain the balance you've carefully built up over all those years. No matter what you find to distract yourself, there's still that hole. Another decade's going to go by anyhow, what else do you have to do with your life?

Tuesday, 3 am
once again I'm wide awake
waiting for time to mend this part of me
that keeps on breaking

Newspapers I threw away
wash the dishes in the sink
3 am on Tuesday,
I have too much time to think

I could call out to Heaven
I could crawl down through Hell
Nothing can change the way things are
and nothing ever will

He thinks I can't hear him cry
and not pretend that I don't know
about all the 3 am's
he spends wrestling with your ghost

I hear him call out to Heaven
I watch him crawl down through Hell
He still can't get over you
I know he never will

Nothing he says can bring you back
He's got nothing left to show
but a pocket watch and a memory
of a kiss out in the snow

I hear him call out to Heaven
I watch him crawl down through Hell
He still can't get over you
I know he never will

I hear him call out to Heaven
I watch him crawl down through Hell
He still can't get over you
I know he never will

Ironically, I've walked that mile in your shoes, I know what's run through your mind all these years. All those secret "I wish" moments, I've been there.

If only I could muster up the courage to push that SEND button - there's so much I can't give you back in all that time, but there really is a lot I could share.

I'm tired of being a ghost. But I have no option but to respect your timetables, no matter what the cost. I certainly owe you that much at least.

Maybe next week?