Saturday, August 30, 2008

My turn

It's been a long week between work and school starting back. Most of it, I've slept poorly and woken up just as tired as when I crashed. And while I've not been depressed, I've had this feeling of resentment and just plain apathy. This morning, I woke up with clarity about it, everything simmering below the surface just finally boiled into a finished product and I knew exactly what the problem was.

Between the birthday and school starting back, the summer is definitely over - and I didn't do anything that I had planned for myself. That's not to say that some things didn't come up that were fun - but as for things I had decided I wanted to do over the summer, I didn't ever make time for any of them. Not one camping trip, not one thing done on various projects, not one bike ride - not even one book I wanted to read started, much less finished. Why? Because I was working. There was always something that had to get done.

Even worse, as I was cleaning rooms because everyone else was taking the day off, I realized that not only wasn't I doing the things I wanted to for me - but I had been working all summer to finance everyone else doing what they wanted. There was no lack of others taking off when they felt like or projects getting started that they wanted to do for themselves. And while I'm happy for each of them, I'm sitting here wondering - how did I let it get away from me so much that I kept back-burnering myself?

I guess I've always been that way - I know I've gotten to this point in my life before with other ventures. I didn't move up here and leave behind the "rat race" - I came up here and built another hampster wheel instead. Sure, some fun moments, some new challenges accomplished - but now I'm running in place, at the expense of myself.

So it's time for some changes. The chalets are on the market - we'll be done with those by the end of the year (and possibly way sooner if I have another day like Friday). The lease on the inn comes up in April - at this point, I don't want to renew it - I can find other ways to make enough money to support us, I always have - even when I didn't have advanced planning. I'm going to do more consulting, pack in some seminars and programs during my school breaks. I've been toying with that idea for a couple of years now - it was one of the reasons I hired Larry to begin with - to run this so I could work on that. But I let myself get sidetracked.

It's amazing how good it feels to work on being goal-focused again. Instead of just existing and getting through the days, I can actually work out an exit plan to move on to something I want to do. And to have something in my face that I can look at every time I'm getting too busy and ask myself it this is helping me get where I want to go.

No comments: