Semi frustrating week

So they finally got the computer system at school fixed to where I could actually register for classes after I'd already sat through my first course. Of course, by that time everything I wanted to sign up for was already filled. Started the day first thing in the registrar's office, grabbing a handful of slips to see if professors would sign off on letting me take the courses on an overflow basis and headed off to class. Sat through my first one on solar thermal and got a maybe, I might know by Wednesday. Of course, there's a book to buy and a reading assignment due before I find out. Wednesday morning comes and there's 21 people in a classroom for 14 - at least he told me I couldn't get in before making me sit through another day and buy the book.

Sustainable building was no problem to get into, in fact there's a project due where we have to design a residential building and a commercial building then run all the LEED certifications on them to see how feasible they are. Instructor said the shipping container project would qualify and might even be something to enter into a sustainable design competition going on throughout the state.

Last class of the day was Intro to sustainability - very interesting, multi discipline class. Really enjoyed the instructor and style of the class (it's a place to debate ideas!!). Will know Wed on that one as well, but after sitting through the course, came up with the perfect reason for Chuck to let me stay in it. I'm the small businessman builder/developer that we spent most of today's class trashing for their insensitivity to the environment and exploitation of the masses for their own personal profit. Should make for a very fun class to say the least, especially the one young lady who's completely convinced that all capitalism is inherently bad. I want to be on some group projects with her obviously, that will really be enjoyable to work on showing her that the unbridled idealism is just as destructive as the capitalism that she rails against (probably will turn out to be a trust fund baby as well, which will only make it more fun!) (OK, got registered for this one - if I hadn't would probably have been the biggest disappointment of all that I wanted to take) Billy had tried to get me to meet this instructor before, said I'd probably enjoy talking to him and turns out he was right.

Turns out I may be eligible for credit for 8 semester hours in military science and phys ed for being a veteran. I've also got to check what credit I can get for "life experiences" - if nothing else being married three times and a single dad should qualify me for something with one of the Marriage and Family courses! Seriously, things like Blueprint 101 should be something I can test out of. It also occurred to me that while I was active duty, I took almost 40 hours of CLEP tests - I have no clue how long they are good for or if I can still use them for credits, but if I can that would take care of alot of the core basics. None of this can be completely answered until I've gotten 30 hours at ASU and they evaluate - but at least I know who I need to talk to about this to find out what paperwork is required and gives me plenty of time to get the papers out of whatever storage silo the US Army has them buried in.

Seriously, I finally broke down and said I was going to go ahead and get the degree - don't know why I kept being so wishy washy about making a commitment like that - perhaps because not being able to go to school when everyone else did back then is really the only thing that I've ever really expressed regret about - now, after all these years, maybe I'm just not trusting that that the opportunity is actually there. Once you've turned down a full scholarship to a school like Duke due to some of your other life choices, it's kind of tough to see yourself ever getting to go.

So I've decided to focus on the degree courses for now and see which of the core courses I won't have to take. If they won't count that stuff, then I'll have a couple of very boring semesters covering the basics with none of the more interesting things, but seems like the best route to go.

Found an electronics course in the same time slot as the solar I got bumped from - it even had openings! Clicked on register and get a note that I don't have the required math class or placement testing. Kelly pointed me to the area online where the placement tests are, of course it doesn't show up for me, so I email the appropriate person who adds it to my list. Got up this am and took the test and blew it horribly - didn't even get finished with the last 9 questions out of 25 (and only got 9 of the one's I did finish right). Amazing how much you can forget if you don't use it in a couple decades - in spite of scoring incredibly high on the SAT's back then (chisel and stone tablet!) Emailed the professor and told him I wouldn't be signing up after all.

Found another class I was interested in for that time - fits the major, has openings, even in the same building as my second M/W class. Click the button and find Time Conflict - it's listed as running until 11, while the other one starts at 11. Literally down a flight of steps and 1 door away from each other. Emails to both instructors to see which one would have to sign whatever waiver to allow me to register for that class.

Finally found potential spots in the other 2 classes I want to take on Thursday - Environmental Ethics and Science & Technology. Of course we finally get a snowfall and some classes get canceled, but so far the only one was the 9:30 - which I'm already registered for. Tomorrow is last day to add classes, so it either happens today or I'm not going to sweat about it. Would sorta piss me off since I've already hit the top tuition tier, only cost for those hours would be my time and the books. Now that I've decided to go for it, I want to be done yesterday (huge surprise, huh?) Don't get me wrong, I want to enjoy it, but it's not going to be the same college experience I would have had at 19 (I shudder to think about the number of people I would have slept with back then or how much alcohol I would have consumed LOL)

2008 Burning Man Art Theme: American Dream

And so from hour to hour we ripe and ripe,
And then from hour to hour we rot and rot;
And thereby hangs a tale.
~ William Shakespeare, As You Like It


This year's art theme is about nationality, identity and the nature of patriotism. One species of the patriotic urge conflates the nation state with mass identity. Governments, as actors on a worldwide stage, become a surrogate for self, a vast projection of collective ego. And yet, there is another type of patriotic feeling that attaches us to place and people, to a home and its culture. Both these feeling states (and their attendant ironies) are relevant to this year's theme.

In 2008, leave narrow and exclusive ideologies at home; forget the blue states and the red; let parties, factions and divisive issues fall away, and carefully consider your immediate experience. What has America achieved that you admire? What has it done or failed to do that fills you with dismay? What is laudatory? What is ludicrous? Put blame aside, let humor thrive, and dare to contemplate a larger question: What can America, this stumbling, roused, half-conscious giant, still contribute to the world?

Anyone embarking on this path will encounter hundreds of fellow participants – many of whom come to Black Rock City from around the world. Indeed, in order to discover the flag of any particular county amid this welter of imagery, it will be necessary to inspect the flags of many other nations. Each of these may be imagined as a dream no less radiant or precious than the rest. Each country is a source of culture and identity; yet each may also be regarded as a glimmering illusion: a sovereign artifact, an arbitrary puzzle piece, an isolated fragment on a map.

Today, Americans appear to live amid the tarnished squalor of a second Gilded Age. By nearly every measure, America has become a more unequal society. A mere one percent of the population now controls a third of the nation's wealth. Education, health care and home ownership – these now escape the reach of those who thought they were the middle class. Forty years of heedless mass-consumption have turned dreams into delusions. America's awash in debt. Embroiled in a wayward war, its citizens are told to shop.

Many feel that the United States is now adrift. Its allies, once so numerous, begin to fall away and chart an independent course. Its citizens, more tellingly, have lost their faith in progress. Polls indicate they now believe their children can't expect a better future. They distrust the institutions of government, of finance, and the corrupting power of large corporations. And yet, the native traits of any culture are deep-rooted. Freedom, opportunity, inventiveness, the power to transform oneself: these values and a love of self-expression still endure.

more at Burning Man

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Role Reversal

You said way back near the beginning that in submitting, you were actually controlling. That's when I began to understand how deep your thinking went, but I didn't appreciate just how much you understood what you were saying at that point. Somehow you understood so early on that my need to be in charge was really an invitation to be the one tamed.

By allowing you to set the ground rules about our interactions, you also got me to agree to be controlled. And I did it, willingly - a first in my life where I've given up that power to someone else - establishing a bond of trust like no other I've ever formed. Sure, there are moments that I test the boundaries established - but respectfully and not resentful when I find them still in place. Generally, the predictability of the results is both gently humorous and strongly comforting - occasionally, I find myself surprised at the latitude granted.

There are also moments where you pluck at the strings you've tied to see if they remain as tight or need some refreshing. I find that I enjoy watching that happen as well, sometimes doing things to provoke it. I'm surprised you've never noticed the mischievous grin on my face as I do. Once again, leading things into new territory - discoveries for both you and me to be made in directions not explored - a subtle specialty of yours I've come to cherish. Whenever I have cause to doubt if you enjoy it as much as I do, or feel it as deeply - I catch a certain look on your face and know that you do.

It's a bit of a surreal dream in the midst of my waking life - secure in the knowledge that it's there, but not always forefront of my mind. And then something sparks a thought or a memory and I'm instantly blown away by this warm feeling, the one we openly speak of as love without ever having totally defined what it means between us. And I sit there in wonder at where things are - a place I never would have expected to find myself, a place I wouldn't trade for the world.

I guess it's why I've always been attracted to Orion - the strong warrior/hunter. That quiet confidence has always been an attractor, even a bit of an aphrodisiac.

Waking life....

The kids have been talking about sushi for a while now, but were waiting for a time when Chris wouldn't be eating since he doesn't like the textures.  Last night, we all got together at Nick's to make sushi and watch a movie.  It was incredibly fun - the first time all the kids have been back together since the Christmas break and everyone "doing" part of the meal prep.  Made for alot of conversation and joking, along with a very simple enjoyment of each other's company over something so basic but fun as making a meal (at least three of us had never made sushi before).

Afterwards we watched Waking Life. I don't remember ever seeing a film that struck me so intensely while watching it but left everyone so silently stunned when the credits rolled.  Evan (who's seen it many times before and recommended it as his favorite movie) was trying to start a conversation with everyone to find out their reaction, but we were all still lost in trying to absorb it.

I left this movie slightly unsatisfied and unsettled (a bit like waking up from a dream I suppose). It took me a while to figure out the reason -- the movie does not supply answers. It does not have a plot that reaches a "conclusion".

It's more of an experience, like a long, vivid, strange dream. 

While the different lecturers didn't say anything really new in terms of philosophy, their "realness" in presentation, the certainty in which they spoke and their animated character representations did make you see those theories in some new lights and provoke you to think. 

I spent most of the movie trying to decide if the train and bridge scenes were "transitions" in his mental awareness of him waking up to life or if they were more stepping stones towards eternity.

I don't remember even being conscious of the musical score while watching last night since there were so many other areas being stimulated, but I woke up this morning with it running through my head - not dominating, but as background music again.  The simple strings have almost a romantic melody to them, even though there is nothing of that basis in the movie.  It makes me feel a little still in the dream state.

Definitely one I want to watch again, the animation was such a fascinating departure from typical movies that I found myself visually distracted as the characters and scenes shifted with the conversations.  I imagine that there are things to see and here to be newly discovered with each additional watching.

Not everyone thinks the same. Not all of these topics will spark the imagination and get the wheels turning. Certainly, the animation is an experience on its own.  Waking Life is perfect for personal reflection. Dreaming can be fun. Living can be interesting. Living in your dreams will lead to adventure and personal satisfaction. Choose where you will spend your time...

Life is.....

I've realized over the past few years that life just happens, and that I'm much happier just accepting it sometimes. There are things that happen that could make you wish things had been different, or that you met someone under different circumstances, or that things just could have come together better - but the fact is, they didn't. So you deal with it. You learn to turn those thoughts aside and appreciate things for what they are, not lose life and energy over what might have been.

I find that I'm much happier this way. I'm willing to relinquish control to the fates and let things happen. Sometimes I'm even pleasantly surprised at how they turn out, exceeding what I would have tried to will into existence. It's amazing how less stressful things are now. Looking back over the years at how I had to have absolute control over everyone and everything around me - I realize that I may have cheated myself out of other experiences simply because I wouldn't let them happen, things had to go my way.

Sure, there are moments when I look at something or someone and think about how it could impact my life differently. But then I think about what I have already gained and try to appreciate it from that perspective and realize that I have nothing to complain about, nothing to yearn for to be different. I'm loved by enough, liked by more and enjoyed by many. How many can truly say that? How many can truly say that they are as happy as I am? How many really live the life that they were supposed to?

Life is.... and sometimes, the best thing I can do is to let it be. There's alot to be found in doing that.

Good night Orion, sleep well my friend.

Larry, I thought of you.....

and couldn't resist sharing.




If it won't play, just click here

Love - a word far too short....

A lot of discussions around here about Love - what it is, what it means, how it's expressed. Who it happens to, the differences in depth and commitment. How we fall into it or even out of it and all the ramifications each of those entails. Obviously a topic that has been discussed throughout the ages with no definitive answers beyond that it's highly subject to the people involved and won't be the same exact thing for anyone else.

Some can love many without sacrificing one, some can only give their heart to one to the exclusion of all others. Not so much a "right vs wrong" issue, simply a different way to express what they feel and what that represents to them. Each has the potential to feel that they are missing out on something the other has but also the ability to recognize that they possess something the other can't have - hopefully they can each appreciate that fully and live it well.

Talking about how Chris and I met, how we've developed and formed our bonds, how no one who knew us would have ever considered this would be a lasting thing has given me time to reflect on exactly what we mean to each other. The respect for one another's differences that has kept it interesting without ever leading to arguments is probably the strongest part of our relationship. The deep friendship that underlies it all so that we each know the the support of the other is there no matter what we choose to do (and I'm certain my random ideas have pushed that to limits I never would have predicted).

To know that we risk great hurts and go for it in spite of rather than holding back because of what "might" happen, to understand that that potential exists and take the plunge anyway isn't something that everyone can do. Probably expected for many who timidly drift through life, but occasionally we can get surprised by one who embraces everything with a boundless energy and enthusiasm that infects all around him, yet hesitates here in this one realm. A fierce hug, then a firm hand to the back and a whispered reminder to count to ten before pulling the ripcord.

Not just the romantic connections, but the family we've created and how it all inter-relates. The lack of competition, the genuine desire for all to have the best for each of the others. The feeling of coming and being at home.

Evan and I were in Big Lot's yesterday and laughing about how quickly the latest big retailer sponsored holiday was being pushed in the door as the Christmas one was already packed up and forgotten. Sadly, we were poking through the Valentine's offerings. Some were funny - like the hard plastic bra that looked like it would so comfortably inspire romance - the 9' banner of X's and O's to be hung across the ceiling. Some had potential to be fun - like the dice that said what to do and where to do it - not really spontaneous enough for me, but I can see that some would enjoy the game.

But the saddest ones were things like the deck of playing cards with questions on the back designed to get you talking with your partner - not even deep subjects that two people might not talk about in the course of day to day, but simple things that wouldn't take long to discover if one was truly interested in the other. Our first reaction was "what a shame" but it was quickly overtaken by the broader "what a shame that there are so many people missing out that there's a market for this". I just don't get people not embracing life, living it as though it might be their last day.

This past year has been our best so far for so many reasons, not the least of which has been the people in our lives and love between all. I guess my new year's wish for everyone would be that they have a season of loving, of creating the relationships that bring out the best in others as well as themselves. Of living, while still alive.

As for love, I think Margaret Atwood may have said it best in here simple, but straight to the point manner:

Variations on the Word Love

This is a word we use to plug
holes with. It's the right size for those warm
blanks in speech, for those red heart-
shaped vacancies on the page that look nothing
like real hearts. Add lace
and you can sell
it. We insert it also in the one empty
space on the printed form
that comes with no instructions. There are whole
magazines with not much in them
but the word love, you can
rub it all over your body and you
can cook with it too. How do we know
it isn't what goes on at the cool
debaucheries of slugs under damp
pieces of cardboard? As for the weed-
seedlings nosing their tough snouts up
among the lettuces, they shout it.
Love! Love! sing the soldiers, raising
their glittering knives in salute.

Then there's the two
of us. This word
is far too short for us, it has only
four letters, too sparse
to fill those deep bare
vacuums between the stars
that press on us with their deafness.
It's not love we don't wish
to fall into, but that fear.
this word is not enough but it will
have to do. It's a single
vowel in this metallic
silence, a mouth that says
O again and again in wonder
and pain, a breath, a finger
grip on a cliffside. You can
hold on or let go.

Margaret Atwood

Don't let the process of living rob you of life or the fear of loving steal what should be the best parts.